Marriage...a divine institution like no other, boarding two of its believers on a flight of enduring companionship and happiness...fuelled day in and day out with the C-word...yes Commitment...this instituion is held with very high esteem from centuries. It is believed to be made in heaven and nurtured on this blue planet.
Observing the alarming statistis of increased failure in marriage, sometimes makes me ponder the relevance of marriage in today's world. I realised its time to get my grey cells working...There are too many questions and too few answers to explain these statistics. We hear a lot of views from people. This is such an interesting and debateable topic that even NDTV found a slot to discuss the same on their noted show "We the people". This is a talk show on NDTV hosted by Barkha Dutt. I believe this is one of the best shows on NDTV where they discuss a specific topic by getting a panel of experienced people who can very well comment on the selected topic and a set of common citizens like you and me who not only comment on the topic but also ask some right questions keeping the panel on their toes. I enjoyed the program thoroughly and derived some interesting gyan on marriage. The panel consisted of veteran director/producer Karan Johar, Shahrukh Khan, Sunita Menon(an astrologer, tarot card reader and counsellor), Anupam Mittal (CEO of Shaadi.com), Anjali Chaabria( a doctor ) and Shobhaa De(reputed columnist/writer).
Before I state my take on marriage, the interesting gyan I derived from the program are the following:
1.Marriage is a good institution for people who can commit only. If you are a person who is kinda getting attracted to more than one person..then marriage is not recommended for you.
2. In India, we need to get out of this age bar for marriage. One must not feel tensed if he/she is not settled at the age of 32 or 35. Its okay to remain single if you can support yourself and are self dependent. Society must stop putting pressure on people to get married before a particular age.
Now for some interesting points…
3.Kabhi alvida na kehna(Acronym:KANK, the movie that inspired NDTV to take up this topic of Modern marriage. This movie deals with extra marital affairs and its context in modern days) does not in anyway support the idea of infidility. It just dipicts one of the paths a person like Dev or Maya(characters played by shahrukh and rani in the movie) might take in case of a unhappy marriage. It tries to bring about a point that it is possible that you could be married to a perfect person but still the connection might be missing between partners and the result is “Unhappy marriage”.
4. Everyone in this world cheats if they can get away with it. Lack of opportunities is one of the best reasons why people stay committed in a relationship/loyal to their partners.
5. Infidility at times is viewed as minor flirtations by the current generation and is not taken too seriously. So infidility is not enough of a reason for some to walk out of marriage. Infact for some infidility is a non-issue in current scenario.
6. Marriage is very individual. Please do not generalise the meaning of marriage. The meaning of marriage to you is your marriage. No one can predict what works and what does not for couples in general. Its an individual matter and should be dealt that way. KANK was one of such individual issues in marriage that Karan johar tried to portray. So dont take cinema too seriously. But unfortunately in India cinema is taken quite seriously.
7. In earlier times, communication was not an issue in marriage, but today it is. Lack of communication is one of the main reasons why today’s marriages are weaker. Same with incompatibility. It was not an issue earlier but in today’s marriage it is. We see that today’s marriage is more demanding in terms of involvement, communication, compatibility etc and this is reviewed at every stage of marriage. It is possible that you have had a happy marriage for 15 years and fail in the 16th year. So today’s marriage need to be worked every day.
8. People who walk out of marriage many times are not happier. Ofcourse in case of people who have walked out of abusive marriages or in other real serious cases are defnitelty happier. But in cases of walking out of marriage because of infidility and such other issues, people after divorce are worse than what they were inside their marriage. This soceity somehow does not allow them to forget their bitter past. They are reminded all the time that they did ruin the life of their partner. Or at times guilt haunts them.
9. Walking out of marriage is a solution only in case of abusive marriages or such other serious cases.But in other cases it is still recommended for people to work on marriage rather than walking out of it. Children are one of the main reasons why people avoid walking out of a marriage. But still a question remains “Can unhappy parents bring up happy children…?”. The Answer is “NO”. Unhappy parents cannot bring up happy childrenand the couple has to take decision amicably in such a case of parents separting.
Now my take on the above topic:
To start with something light....
I did watch the movie "Kabhi alvida naa kehna" that inspired NDTV to take up this topic and after watching this movie believe me I was running all round Garuda mall looking for head ache medicine.
Moral of the story if any that this candy floss bollywood movie tried to convey:
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* Fight and agrue with your spouse for no reason…and at the end of it all dont forget to blame your spouse for the missing passion in marriage
* If you have some free time after marriage look for having an extra marital affair
* Buy a blue car if your girlfriend outside your marriage, likes the color blue…and she will shamelessly dance with you on the streets of Newyork…But when her husband asks her to join him for a dance in a party organised by their own family….she will just yell saying she hates all that….make faces and walk out of the party.
* Your wife is not even allowed to share her career development…as in her promotions etc with you…she is not allowed to say that she denied a promotion because she loves you and her family because she is trying to pin point on your failures…
* Dont feel passionate for your handsome..romantic…caring loving husband…but fall prey at a hotel room for a cynical…crippled…man outside your marriage
* You cant bear a child…not at all a problem…leave your husband
* Your wife is more successful than you are…not at all a problem…leave your wife…
* If you suffering from inferiority complex inside your marriage…extra marital affair is the treatment…
I believe arts/entertainment industry is a very powerful media to educate people while providing them some good entertainment. If there is nothing to educate people on...well accepted...then provide some good entertainment and be done with it. Sending wrong signals/messages is an undervalue to the masses clogging into multiplexes .This movie did nothing but to send wrong signals. A serious subject matter handled with great deal of irresponsibility.
Marriage is a very divine instituion. Ask me...I am married with a sweet little child. Based on my experience…this is what marriage means to me…
Plus:
* An excellent feeling of security,a sense of belonging and a feeling of completeness and contentment…
* A feeling so special to share your life in companionship where there is mutual love and understanding...
* Good times or Bad times…there is always someone to listen to you and stand by you(if not solve your problem)...
* Every special moment gets translated into a nostalic album instantaneously...A revisit into these innumerable albums leave you nothing but elighted...
* Every move with your spouse in sync is a piece of painting in the life's art gallery...
* Every word of love, sensitivity and understanding delivered is the most soothing music to your ears...There is always soo much to say and soo much to hear...
* An aura...a mistyfying magnestism that keeps two souls tagged forever...
Slight disturbances but not problems though:
* One aspect of your life(specially kids) that affect every decision you take and at times forces you into a decision/path which you would not have taken otherwise
* At times you feel you cant make time for your self and your other interests
* Tend to take partners for granted
Some things that work for me…
* Never sleep on a fight
* When to say “Enough is enough..”…..The answer is “NEVER”…always give it another chance and it will defnitely work…and you feel much better for you understand your partner today more than yesterday…However dejected you feel..the D word(Divorce) is not at all an answer…believe me…the life is worse after that…
* Your spouse is the best…there arent too good chiks or chiknas around…they might all look rosy for a moment, but your spouse is that Golden flower that never fades and is the most priceless possession of yours…So dont even bother to regret your marriage…
* At times take a chill pill…life is not as complicated as we see it…infact its quite simple…give a jaadu ki jappi and see the magic…Life is beautiful…
We see a lot of people speaking out loud how women are forced to sacrifice and compromise, Indian marriages are all about compromise and sacrifices. Ask me...I am 200% pro-marriage and I recommend that to all who can commit. For me marriage is a commitment to self, a commitment to the sacred instituion before I term it as a commitment to a partner. Also I would like to express that whatever sacrifices or compromises I have made within my marriage was mainly due to the reason that I love my family. And isnt that beauty of a relationship. I dont even want to term them as compromises because never ever I was forced to take such decisions. They were solely mine and I have taken certain decisions after weighing the pros and cons of the options enough. Leave it to time to justify those decisions and you will never regret.Have you asked yourself a question...If your mother or father would have walked out of marriage in cases of some disturbances or issues within marriage would you have had a healthy development as a child? The answer is NO...Today as Indians we must be proud of our values and sentiments towards marriage. Flipping calendar years cannot fade the sanctity of Marriage and neither change its definition.
Interestingly I see some people commenting about “Indians not ready to accept the truth..”…”Indians not ready to accept love to be greater than marriage”…"Infidility is a non-issue in current scenario". Does any of these statements sound familiar. Espcially with the Page-3 personalities...Dont even bother to give it a thought. They are doing nothing but calling their lifestyle with names. If your defnition for love is what was portrayed by in some of these bollywood movies that glorify infidility with stardom, catchy background score, exotic locations and designer wear…phew..get your basics right…Such things happens in reality with those people who are cynical, depressed, confused set of people who just do not know what to get out of life.Marriage is a divine institution…unless in cases of abuse and extreme cases as society looks at it..there is no need to walk out of a marriage…it can be worked out with some commiment and interest…infidility and adultry is a NO NO…and its doing nothing but de-grading a divine institution of marriage and in no way maturity…I guess statements like finding your soulmate after marriage…love is more important than marriage…such statements have been used very cheaply by these people for finding some escape routes after marriage…do all this before marriage…now thats maturity and also sensibility…dont get into it if you feel you cant stay committed…
If one of the partners within marriage is unhappy and so is the other. If you are going through this agony of a unhappy marriage so is your spouse. Use positivity and rationale to stick on and move rather than looking out for escape routes…Negative appraoch to life only rocks all relationships and hurts your loved ones… So we Indians are not hypocrites but we want to see life in a positive way. We believe in living a life that matters.
Eventually...."Its your life...its your relationships...if you think intellectually you might take one type of decision and if you think emotionally you might take a different decision....This entire life is lead in this space between the head and the heart..."
-Archana
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8 comments:
good. archana has put her points beautifully.
well this movie will motivate the the people to terminate their present relationships easily rather than trying to fight the existing circumstances. And god only knows the new relationship they are moving in will lastlong. There will become another KANK.
and the life goes on & on &on.............
This is a movie which is aganist the indian socety, love, trust, responsibility.
I know a film in kannada Hombisilu, which has motivated the couples who saw it to patch up their differences and live together.
I feel KANK will have bad impact on the indian youth who are in a confused state already like me.
Fantastic and very aptly written. I think Archana raised all the points I had on the movie including the yuck scene(hotel).
I want to gag and hit all people who say that Indian audience have not matured and hence would not appreciate the sensibilities( phew!!) of the movie.
I think its a movie which failed to connect to atleast me and my friends. Similar reactions from many others. Wonder where all teh BO money is flowing in from - or is it just another marketing gimmick.
Regards
Dev (not saran again!!)
couldn't agree more...
responsiblity and common-sense are the two words which most dont seem to care thesedays.
I completely agree with Archana's views. She has pointed out very true facts about the movie. If indian movie fans (i could be one of them) makes KANK a big hit, we will not be called as a wise viewers.
it would be a good idea if at the beginning of movie there will be a warning:
Movie reflects only the indian couples living in Western countries but who are not indian by heart.
Take care
Dhiren
Archana Fantastic.. too good..
NDTV/Barkha -- pls show ths to KJ and team hope we will not waste our money in future movies of KJ
Archana Are u working for NDTV or u from Anti Karan Group of hindi Film industry :):) just kidding
good ..nice way of putting things across....KANK & KJ i think took up the subject wring and did not convey what they wanted to say.The charaterization of Lead actors Rani and SRK was very very weak ...:)
Coming back to Marriage topic i believe its love and trust which are main pillors of any relationship..
hi archana,
i guess, this comment is coming too late in lieu of the date of the article, but the topic can never be dated.
I watched KANK for a second time recently, and i beg to differ that it was a "bad" movie overall.
In the light of my experience as a married person, I believe marriage should and will result in compromise, thats the law. But no one should compromise on their partner. I think in the movie, the lady protagonist did that, and thats why the whole relationship cascaded. Its an important lesson to learn, that its important to at least "like" the person one marries and minimalistically envisage a future with the person.
And the topic of divorce is arguable. Having an unhappy marriage need not necessarily lead to divorce, at least not yet in the Indian context.
HI HOW R U??? IT;S LONG TIME I HAVE SEEN U....U R MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW..NIKHILA PD
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